The thing about Number Two is that I know exactly how fleeting his infancy will be. I didn't have that awareness with The Boss. I guess I thought she'd be tiny forever. Certainly there was bliss in that ignorance, but what remains is a lack of memory for the details.
The rub of it is this: now that I understand the quickness, I've become so preoccupied with it that I still cannot enjoy the moment, what with all my fear for the remembering. I feel pressure to record everything, but this "everything" is so expansive that I don't know where to begin. Sometimes I don't. I get caught up in trivialities that are less daunting. Volunteer projects. Playdates. Yesterday I filled out a page and a half of Number Two's baby book and considered the effort a success.
But behind those everyday moments, my son still snuffles like a horse. He looks at everything with widening eyes that are, of course, turning hazel like his father's. His feet have outgrown all socks sized 0-3 months, even though that classification still fits the rest of his lean frame. More often than not, he smells stinky-sweet from a diaper that needs changing. He's often attached to my breast, hanging vertical, while I chase after something his sister needs--a drink, a snack, a pair of underwear pulled back up, a channel changed on the TV. Sometimes he looks so incredibly cute. Other times the plate of his forehead threatens to take over, and I can only hope that this kid has an unusually large brain. Like his father.
And that's the line. Between living and remembering. Right now I'm walking it like a tightrope, which is exciting if not a bit nauseating. Falling off is not an option; the only choice is getting used to the callouses where the wire bisects each bare foot.
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Wednesday, June 18, 2008
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6 comments:
I often have to remind myself that I won't always be the mother of young children. But this will stick with me, I'm sure, if I meet a second child. How different it must be (and already sounds like).
I think just the awareness you've expressed here will help you capture far more mental snapshots than you think.
Watching your every move to see what to expect ..
I hear you! Me too. It has gone by so quickly. I remember little, if anything. Thankfully we have lots of videos.
Very well written!
I can totally relate. My three girls are still young but far from being babies. Unfortunately you do forget and for me, the easiest way to rekindle those memories is to watch a video - it brings it all back immediately to hear them talk, and myself talk to them. I love photos but they don't seem to have the same effect. Just discovering your blog - lots of great stuff!
I share your feelings on remembering. Sometimes I look at pictures of my girl from a few months ago, and I try to remember her when she looked that way, and I feel that I can't. It makes me sad. Would these memories come back later in my life or do I have to rely on these pictures to remember what she looked like when she was 6 months, 8 months, 1 year!
I love your last line, walking on a tightrope, and yes to me the most scary part of all is that falling is not an option!
My oldest just graduated from high school. I cant believe she's 18. I keep getting teary eyed when I think of her younger days and wished I had spent more time with her.
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