Sometimes I get tired of my idiocy. For a while it can be blissful, but eventually the stupidity coagulates in a pool that's an aerobic workout to trudge through.
I just got off the phone with a local business owner. I was calling in my capacity as publisher of our town's quarterly newsletter, beseeching this woman to renew her advertisement. The fact that I volunteer [note: apparently I don't have enough non-paying jobs] to publish a 24-page color document every four months is just one example of my stupidity. Another is that I realized, after speaking with this woman, that she requested a change to her ad a good six months ago that never materialized. You can imagine her reluctance to pay up front for another year of wrong information. She came around when I promised her a proof of the corrected ad before she sent any payment.
It's no biggie in the grand scheme, but it's me being wrong again, and the last thing I want is another person thinking I'm incompetent. I try to embrace my flaws and be honest about them, but it's getting to the point where mocking myself before someone else gets the chance is taking up as much of my time and energy as raising two children--which, you can be sure, I am fucking up as well.
I've never felt such a constant need to apologize for being me. Maybe it's because, lately, everyone I know is calling me on my mistakes. I turn around and there's someone more organized than I am, more thoughtful, more wronged, who is politely or not-so-politely trying to fix whatever I've torn asunder, or who is content just to point at the wreckage. I can try to be on top of things, but the truth of the matter is that I'm never going to be the type of person who can walk a straight line of structure. That's my weakness, but it's also my claim to creativity.
I don't like to disappoint people. But I'm also sick of apologizing. I'm sure The Partner thinks that if I just did things right in the first place, I wouldn't need to apologize. It's not that easy, though. I am going to make mistakes. A lot of them. Maybe the big difference between me and the rest of the world is that I don't try to hide that fact.
I would like to step back from my volunteer commitments. I would like to pick just a couple things--for example, family and writing--and try to get them right. I don't get off on inflicting my incompetence on others. But, d'ya know what? Nobody else wants these commitments, either--at least nobody who could do them any better. The competent people are off elsewhere, being productive and paid.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't even know what to think. I just want to be good at something. Through it all is this question floating around as I try, in vain, to get any of it accomplished: is it that I've reached new heights of ineptitude, or that I am just now beginning to notice the view?