Wednesday, November 01, 2006

File Under "Open Letters, Misc."

Dear President's Choice,

The other day we bought a package of your chocolate chip cookies. They appeared to be very well sealed as usual. When I opened them that night - a night after a very long day of wrangling two insane children, a night where I felt I deserved a treat with a cup of tea, a night where I thought having a cookie or six would make me feel better - I was very disappointed to bite into the first cookie and find that it was stale. Rather than crunching like I expected it to, it was somewhere between crunchy and soft.

It was rather unpleasant and I was very let down since your chocolate chip and chocolate chunk cookies are usually so satisfying.

No, I can't take the bag back to the store for a full refund on your behalf or for an exchange. I ate them. All of them.

They may have been sort of gross, but I was a desperate woman.

Thanks anyway,



Dear Dollarama,

Thank you for existing. I don't know how anyone ever survived before you. I know my mother used to shop at K-Mart when I was a little girl, regularly enough that I referred to my little savings box as my K-Mart box. I would save any money given to me and keep it in that box and then go buy a toy at K-Mart. Still, even their decent prices were nothing in comparison to the joys of the dollar store.

And the sheer volume of crap, um stuff, that you sell is amazing. The other day we managed to buy lasagna pans, a cat dish, hamster food, multi-surface cleaner, candy, socks, soap, art supplies, and Halloween stuff all in one fell swoop. It was also dirt cheap.

Thanks for providing me with a place to buy way too much stuff.



Dear idiot drivers,

There was a reason that the province of Quebec was reluctant to make it legal to turn right on a red light even though many other places had already done so. It was because of morons who are incapable of doing two things at once, like driving and thinking at the same time.

You are allowed to turn on red. However you are only supposed to do that when the road you are turning on to is actually clear. You are not supposed to whip out and veer wildly into the oncoming traffic.

Also, you in the red car? You're also not supposed to sit behind a car such as, oh OURS, honking madly because you think it's your god-given right to turn on the red light. We weren't turning because three lanes worth of traffic were driving down the street at the time and we weren't interested in being involved in an accident.


PS - Nice finger! Look I have one too!


Dear cute guy at the pumpkin stand,

Thank you for being nice enough to help me carry the pumpkins to the car and thank you for setting them right in the trunk and making sure they wouldn't roll around and for being such a gentleman. With all the idiots around (see above letter), it's nice to have someone with such great manners and people skills.

And thank you for finding me two really good pumpkins since I know that it was kind of last minute in the season to be thinking, "oh duh I need pumpkins!" I really appreciate it and our jack-o-lanterns came out really great.

Mostly though, thanks for being hot. Really.

Fanning self,


Dear costume makers,

Next year you should just go ahead and make a costume out of fishnet stockings and latex and label it "My First Slut Costume". What is with all the costumes geared for kids that are revealing and trampy? Do parents actually buy that stuff for their young kids? A 16-year-old in a somewhat revealing costume is self-expression and kind of understandable; I was 16 once too and I get it. A six-year-old in flimsy costumes? Not cool.

I'm almost expecting to see kids as young as ten walking around next year in nothing more than a thong, stilletos, and a couple of pasties and announcing they're dressed as strippers.

Thank you for making at least a fe acceptable costumes for kids. I'm relieved that my four-year-old can be a normal Red Riding Hood.

Next year let's try to be age-appropriate!

A confused mother


Dear parents in our area,

Thank you for being generous with the candy when we were out trick-or-treating. My dauther hauled in a lot of loot last night. My husband and I both appreciate it since we can now gorge ourselves on mini chocolate bars and candy when the kids are in bed.



Sherry is a Canadian mother of two who often composes letters in her head even though she rarely writes any for real. She does freelance web design and writing and when she has a spare moment she blogs about the Chaos Theory that is her life.

This post is part of the monthly Blog Exchange. In the spirit of blog camaraderie, you can find my own Open Letter at Sherry's site. For even more in therapeutic correspondence, click here, where you can also find out how to participate in the next Blog Exchange.


sherry said...

Oh my lord, I am horrified by my typos. Next time I'm not writing anything until I've had at least two cups of coffee in my bloodstream.

ECR said...

The first one was classic. I bet those cookie companies actually do receive letters like that. And why shouldn't they? I think you should send it!

Binkytown said...

What is up with the costumes for kids or teens for that matter? I saw some teenager prancing around in nothing but a pair of tights and high heeled shoes and I was embarassed for her.

I'm thankful for the hot pumpkin guy too. I didn't get to admire him but I'm thankful for hotness anywhere..

jen said...

i'd comment more but am too busy rolling on the floor laughing.


k said...

haha. Nice finger. I have one too.

I'm so using that.

A. Elliot said...

Great letter! I loved the one to the pumpkin guy where you referenced the idiot driver.

Tater and Tot said...

I'm not too proud to eat stale cookies, either. And it was very commendable of you to eat all of them so no one else would have to go through the dissapointment of the no crunch factor. If you ask me, you really did every one a favor.

Heather said...

"And thank you for being hot...Fanning self" HA! Love this!

Anonymous said...

oh so funny, loved all the letters! we have a 'pound' shop here (UK) and I love it too, loads of things I dont need but want and all for a pound each!