Friday, June 01, 2007

Bad With Dates

You know you need a date with your husband when you have nothing to say to each other. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? Sounds like a waste of time. Sounds like the buzz of other conversations in a restaurant would be deafening against the stare of the emotional stranger at your own table.

We need a date, The Partner and I. I realized last night, during our own little make-shift rendezvous with a bottle of wine and a therapy session courtesy of eHarmony's new marriage rehab program, that talking through our lack of communication is what's most needed. It wasn't the relationship exercises, like "Dreaming a Great Dream for Your Marrriage," or how to be a "Considerate Mate," that offered the clearest insights; it was the simple act of sitting down and watching the words come out of each other's mouths, undiluted.

We need a date because even though that kind of attention to each other's thoughts and feelings shouldn't be occasional, it is now. It will be that way for awhile, until we get back to the place where attuning to each other is natural. We haven't looked out over that particular vista in three years. The demands of work, homeownership and parenthood have sullied our outlook.

Last night we talked about an important date in July--our third anniversary. The Partner said he would take the day off from work. Then we talked about going on a vacation in August (because we're INSANE like that). It was nice to plan things just for us. It was nice to sit there, just us.

The loveable and eHarmonic Dr. Neil Clark Warren says that a couple needs to dream big. I'm sure that's true, but I'm also a believer in building up to big. Right now I'm setting my sights on little dreams that we can connect into something larger, something whole.

And I'm hoping that a little more conversation can lead to a lot more action. But that's an eHarmony exercise for another day.

Write a post about why you need a date, and you might just win one. Act now! The Parent Bloggers Network has teamed up with E-Harmony to raffle off a $100 AmEx gift certificate (for the date) and $100 in cash (for the babysitter) to a random winner culled from all the participants in their June 1 Blog Blast.

15 comments:

slouching mom said...

You sound like you're in a familiar place, friend.

I wonder why it is that women see intimacy as springing naturally from conversation, and men see conversation as springing naturally from intimacy.

Am I dreaming here?

(N.B. I am not referring to your hubs, or my hubs, but to men and women more generally. Your post made me think.)

Binky said...

SM--That is an interesting observation, and I agree it's true for most couples. But The Partner and I are the exact opposite of normal. I identify much more with that male stereotype than with the female one, while he's perfectly happy to cuddle and chat.

Isn't life weird?

jen said...

Oh, yes. i know this place you speak of, better than i wish i did.

good for you.

toyfoto said...

I've been trying for a date ... you know on the cheap. Trying to get someone else to pay. I had an awards ceremony. (No spouses). And now an appreaciation dinner for preschool board members ... and... no spouses again.

Ug. There always seems like so much to do and only so many days in a weekend. BAH!

toyfoto said...

Oh yeah, also the dynamic in our relationship seems reversed, too. I identify with my stereotypical opposite as does he.

mama k said...

I hear ya. Relationships are work. "Dream big" I like that.

I found you via the blog blast. My entry is up on my site. :)

Jenny said...

Very, very familiar story. Thank goodness for a bottle of wine after our son goes to bed, is all I'm saying! Found you via the PBN Blog Blast...
Absolutely Bananas

Becky said...

I know where you are coming from! found you via the blog blast! mine is up too! aka chocolate-party!

Dawn said...

I'm also in the been there, done that party. It's tough to bridge those gaps sometime.

I also found you via the Blast :) Check out mine when you have a half a second to yourself :)

Motherhood Uncensored said...

It's my kind of therapy if you can bring a bottle of wine.

Kel said...

How true! I'm glad you have a potential vacation in the works - enjoy it when it comes!

I found you via the blog blast - glad I did!

Michele said...

Amen sister.
A quickie while the kids nap is great but not a relationship-builder.
Sigh

Redneck Mommy said...

I hear you.

Oddly enough, now that he works out of town, we TALK way more. And we are forced to listen to what we have to say.

I wouldn't recommend having him work from out of town, but sometimes distance can add clarity and make the heart grow fonder.

As long as he's keeping it in his pants and not paying for the charms of a three dollar hooker.

Lauren said...

Okay, I did it. I cancelled Sirius. And it was the most annoying phonecall I've ever made. They offered to give me two free months of service again, but this time I simply wanted to get the hell out of sirius dodge. And after I said "No, please just cancel it" they asked me again if I'd like two free months of service. No. No. And then they asked me if I wanted to listen to it online only for a fee of 12.95 per month. Seriously? That's one dollar less than I was already paying. But they'd give me three months free. No. Thanks. Cancel my service. I'm sticking with my original thoughts on this product. I hate satellite radio.

Lauren said...

Ps. Are you saying you're a sex hound in your comment to slouching mom? Because if you are, I can so totally relate.